If you’re asking, the answer is yes. Yes she had wrestled with lunacy. Like Jacob when he wrestled with the angel and was blessed for it, she fought. She felt insanity as it made it’s presence known by clawing and pounding on the doors of her mind. A roaring monster she dared not confront. And she wondered… “Is this healing or hiding?”
It roared loudly, beseechingly even. Wanting her attention. Wanting her to abandon herself in it. She held her head high, turned and walked away. She wasn’t sure if she should be called brave for confronting it or afraid because she walked away.
The thing was the monster didn’t leave many options; either you ignored it or were devoured by it. She currently had no desire to be devoured. There was yet much to learn.
About Life & Trees.
There was much to learn about God. It thrilled her to think that she did not yet know every thing there was to know about Him.
Her heart blossomed here. In this space of discovery.
She wanted to know why he gave her bad knees but also know why he made human hearts so fragile that they might as well be 86 year old knees. She’d also ask him why he made time so fast and why he made rules so rigid?
Or was that us?
That one was important.
She pictured herself sitting with him as she would a friend. This place wasn’t earth but the home her heart had always longed for. In this place, no matter the time of day, the brilliance of the SON always shone. They had forewarned her that the streets here were golden, but what they hadn’t said was that because His presence and light covered everything, there was no room for darkness. They hadn’t said those streets shone gold because His brilliance was so bright, so powerful, that the streets had no choice but to reflect shimmering hues of gold. In this place, there was no crying or sorrow. No death. Music was always present, worship was always heard for the King of glory who ruled. But He was not a king unknown. He was personable, inviting, relational, intimate. Her friend. And she was having coffee with Him. Two warm coffee cup rested on the round table between them. Behind them, the fire roared: surrounding her, filling her. Wind, Fire and Spirit. This was comfort. This was home.
Lunacy came crawling again. Knocking. Even calling and whispering her name. But she could pay it no mind. She would not be devoured. Being devoured would rob her of time, the one resource she was beyond controlling. The wisp of time she was granted in his world would not be wasted wrestling dead demons.
Back at the table with God, He’s sipping his coffee slow; like he’s in no hurry at all. His radiance shines and she’s blinded by it, momentarily forgetting the new body she now has; it’s glorious really. She adjusts her powerful new eyes and is no longer blinded by the light but enthralled by it. She marvels at how the stars exist at his command and the sweetness of his voice beckons them to bend toward it. The world and all its power in the palm of His hand. She marvels.
But she also has questions. Before she can even open her mouth to ask, he’s up from the table.
He grabs her hand and pulls her towards this heavenly living room. The recliner looks soft and worn. Like someone rested here every night. Like the chair had molded itself to fit ONLY the shape of the one it was worthy of seating. A king on His throne. And it was Him. Only Him. Forever Him. His gentleness was evident. It was in his even breathing. It was in his smile. It was evident in the care He took placing her into a seat He had reserved just for Her.
“I’ve been wanting to do this for you. To show you something.
She sank down into the softness and comfort of the plush love seat. She expected him to retreat to his well worn chair, but instead he sat beside her. His presence, his closeness, welcomed her. It soothed her really. There were flowers all around her, he had created an oasis of beauty, specifically for her to enjoy. To bring her pleasure. To make her smile. To fill her joy. A pouring of his love on her.
She watched as a screen appeared before her. Across the screen was a circular parade of montages, of moments. Like a screen saver on a sleeping computer, the images circled each other. A watch of memories. She peered closer and realized it was her life. There were scenes that even she had forgotten.
She saw on the screen, the very room she was now standing in. In this room there was a chair. It was similar in color to the one she saw now, and identical structurally. She smiled when she realized they were one and the same. It was the chair that belonged to her closest friend. She saw in a mere instant what years of her life had looked like to Him. In life she had only been able to see the detours He had taken her on, but now in this heavenly kingdom she could also see the death He had saved her from on another main road. A lifetime of instants were in one moments hers and she grasped the fullness of Him, of who He was and who she had always been to Him. Each memory invoked a deeper and broader understanding of the fullness of his love for her. Her questions dissipated as she understood that every single thing in her life had worked out just as it should, because of His infinite wisdom + infallible love for her.
The screen changed.
She bore witness to a recording of herself in a space she knew wasn’t earth, but also wasn’t her mother’s womb. This was a space where she had no recollection of being but she must have been there because there it was… an image of her running around gleefully, blissfully, content under the watchful eye of her father. She called him ABBA for short then. The recordings displayed the intimacies between them. His tenderness with her. His watchful eye over her. His fierce protectiveness over her. The last scene was heartbreaking to watch. In it, she was crying, wanting to remain under the safe care of ABBA, but in her heart she knew the time had come. The time for her to fulfill the mission she was created for.
She knelt before him, afraid, uncertain.
“Now remember daughter, “Where you’re going, you won’t be able to see me, but I promise you, I’ll always be with you. Take that truth and plant it in your heart. Use good soil and dig deep because this world WILL try to convince you otherwise.
She felt her spirit transform. She flew through dimensions and galaxies. As her spirit flew, she felt herself gasp in dizziness. How incredible was her dad for creating such colorful and illuminating universes. She marveled and felt herself become smaller. Smaller and smaller still.
Until she was, but a seed